The following is an excerpt from my book, I Believe in God, Now What?
For a moment’s time after a sexual orgasm, I would feel great.
Yet, only minutes later, I was back to being reminded of my insecurities and the havoc that stemmed from trying to cover them up in the false hope of being saved by idols.
I use the term idols because that’s exactly what I turned men into. I went to them before I went to God.
Although I never said it out loud, my actions proved that I believed those men could heal me in a way that God couldn’t. I went running to people, instead of to Him.
I once went on a year-long wild goose chase, pursuing this man who really didn’t care to be in a relationship with me.
At the time, I was living in Morocco as a Peace Corps volunteer.
So, because of the different time zones, I would stay up until all hours of the morning, waiting for a promised call that never came.
Although the numerous missed calls were evidence enough that he didn’t care for me, I pressed on.
I was determined and assured that this guy was “the one.” I wrote him a three-page email expressing my love and desire to marry him, but he didn’t even acknowledge the words until three weeks later.
Clearly, I was doing more giving than receiving in the relationship, yet I kept running after him anyway.
I was at a point where I would allow myself to be taken advantage of in relationships and so-called friendships because I didn’t know my own worth.
I desired a husband more than God because I didn’t know God. I also didn’t understand the fullness of all that God had in store for me.
So, I would settle.
I would always allow myself to accept people into my life who did more taking than they did giving. Each relationship was part of an endless cycle of disappointment.
Although I didn’t realize it, the same treatment that others were giving me was exactly how I had treated God.
I would thank Him, then go on and continue living exactly how I wanted to. I wasn’t witnessing or sharing the gospel with others.
I preferred a life of sex and lustful pleasures.
God was doing all the giving, and I was doing all the taking. I would look around and see that others weren’t loving me the way I deserved, not knowing that my external relationships could only mimic my internal relationship with Christ.
How could I understand what I truly deserved if I never spent time with the One Who designed my self-worth?
So, with guy after guy and friend after friend, I would accept the least of my value. To make matters worse…
The rest of the story is in my book, I Believe in God, Now What?
Share this post to inspire someone else.